Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in drowningxalive's LiveJournal:

Saturday, December 30th, 2006
8:26 pm	Title:I just need a moment of happiness Author: Joanna (drowingxalive) Pairing: It could be anyone, but I imagined beckett/ryro for some reason. POV1st Rating: PG 13? Swearing and sex refernces. Summary: Author noteJust a random standalone, 'cause I haven't posted for a while. My other fic's taking a hiatus, basically 'cause I think it sucks and have no idea what to do with it. Plus I'm about to start a cowrite with mcsismylover, and I really wanna focus on that. ( Lust will not lead to love but it's good enough for tonight ) (Comment on this)
Friday, December 29th, 2006
12:40 am	Some Assembly Required Who are you. Why aren't you here? Who the fuck am I? I shouldn't ask you who you are, I know you. You're so open, so ready, so completely unwrapped and unashamed. You scream "Take me as I am" and that's all anyone can do. You make me feel guilty for being a closed book. Why are you so warm when I want to be cold? Why are you so loving when I need to be hated? Why does your one-time unavailability hurt me so badly? Why do I feel so sick through lack of you? Knowing you feels unnerving, because you've let yourself be known. You want to know why you're perfect? It's how you let yourself be. You want to know why I don't think I'm beautiful? Because there's a voice in my head screaming about how I don't really love you, I just love being loved. How I distance myself so immensely because I'm scared that if I really connect myself I'll be left for what I really am. There's no beauty in the destruction, because I was never destroyed. You can't be destroyed until you've been assembled, and I'm afraid there's still some assembly required. There's no beauty in my unmade collection of parts. Just a twisted mess on the floor, waiting to be assembled and gathering dust. The instructions were lost. And all you see is pieces that seem to be put together. You have no idea of what happens when the pieces don't stay. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006
7:42 pm	I feel bad for not feeling guilty So WQ and myspace aren't helping with this, although Josh did. So I got on the bus after a very enjoyable envounter with David. And the people I normally talk to from the middle school were all amazed by the passed out drunkard on the back seat. It was kinda amusing. So I start talking to his equally pissed but still conscious friend, (who I'd seen on the bus before but never spoken to). Unfortunately the equally pissed but still conscious friend (Steve) was 18 and BLOODY sexy. Incredibly sexy. And yeah, when I'm talking to a drunk person I get very flirty, especially when they're flirting too. And with the beer goggles he was wearing he did seem to think I was quite hot. So Twiggy (one of the middle-school kids) said to me "you blatantly want to get off with him" and of course I was saying "no, I <3 David", but then Steve decided to prove twiggys point was true and tried to kiss me. I stopped myself from snogging him (just). He tried to persuade me to go back to his, and I was trying to say no bbut it's hard 'cause I realllly wanted to. And I know I love David, but I really wanted to screw Steve. He was just so much more alive. David's safe, and makes me feel loved, and yeah I love him, and ohysically I am very attracted to him. But I don't know if he wants sex or not, and I definitely knew what Steve wanted. Steve drink, and smokes, and does pot, and is fucked up in a completely non-caring way, and he's happy, and relaxed, and only wanted me for sex, with no emotional attachment, which I guess I wanted. And even though I'm thinking about screwing someone I've only just met, when I should be thinking about how fantastic David is (and he is), I don't feel guilty. Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
9:17 pm	Love keeps me out of dark moods I feel a bit shitty. I don't know why but I'm constantly hungry at the moment. I can't stop eating. I'm starting to gain weight again. I know my flab doesn't bother David but it bugs me. If I get below 9 stone I'm getting my belly button peirced. I've done nothing all day. I need a non-internet related hobby. Mum's bitching again. I have a desperate urge to slap her. I don't give a shit about the fucking washing or the fact that the flowers in the vase on the fireplace are dead, so why does she? People need to relax more, stop caring so much about stuff. Unless that makes them like Keith. He's disturbingly mellow, it's terrifying. At least living with him means an en suite shower room. I wish David was here. I talk about him too much. But I guess this is what love does to you. Any time i'm feeling like punching a hole in a brick wall it's his arms around the waist that calm me down. It used to be muse that I'd always rely on to pull me out of my darkest abyss's (not too sure what the plural of abyss is), or to stop me before I get so angry I can't breathe, or stop me from crashing down hard after I've been immensely happy. But now David does that. When I'm lying there alone it's him that I wish was there to touch. When I have to say goodbye I can still feel his touch burned on to me for hours. And I wish he was here to stop me from feeling like shit. There are times when I catch him looking at me and smiling. It's not the evil grin when he's gonna play on my weakness and start tickling me, and it's not that huge grin from finding something utterly hilarious. I love smiles, but the only one I'm in love iwht is that one that's just pure and unadulterated. That perfect representation of emotion that can sweep me off my feet and trip me head over heels into love a thousand times. That smile is like a million "I love you"s from his perfect lips. I wish it was tomorrow so I could see him again. Current Music: Avril Lavigne - how does it feel? (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 2nd, 2006
9:22 pm	That Something This song matches how I've been feeling perfectly. I'm trying to talk But it's hard to speak I'm trying to walk My knees are too weak I'm holding too still And standing too tall When I lay down at night I can't sleep at all I'm trying to breathe I can't find the air I'm starting to think It's not really there So please forgive me If I seem a bit scared It's not just discomfort I was just, unprepared 'Cause you got that something That I just can't place & You got that something Time just can't erase Might be the way you move Or the smile on your face but You got that something. Your voice makes me quiver Over the phone Your hands make me shiver When we're alone Your infallible eyes Stare into mine & Count all the flaws In my design Just like the sweetest tasting wine In my veins, you waste no time Creeping up into my mind And I'm lying on the floor Can't remember anymore I can't remember. Do I have that something That you just can't place & Do I have that something Time just can't erase Might be the way I move Or the smile on my face but Do I have that something?, David is the most amazing person ever to come into existence, and the only person who's made me feel like I could really be as beautiful as he claims. I don't understand why you love me David, but every day it makes me smile to know that you do. I love you. Current Mood: loved Current Music: The Warhol Crowd - that something (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
5:18 pm	Boredom is unhealthy So yeah, this is my first lj post. This is actually the 3rd livejournal i've made, the first one kinda sucked, and I f*d up the second, so fingers crossed for this one :) I've basically spent every day since thursday on my own at home doing nothing. I hate half-term. And I just found out that the really cool song I've had stuck in my head for ages is a Hilary Duff song. Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)